Reminders to help live life more easily

Stress for Success

June 4, 2013, Week 434

When racing through life, mostly doing the same things day after day, it’s easy to lose track of what you’d be wise to change. Here are some reminders of necessary, ongoing tune-ups:

1. Listen to your thoughts: Wherever your thoughts are going, that’s where you are going. And thoughts determine emotions. But often you’re unaware of these thoughts because they’re unconscious. Suffice it to say, if you’re feeling depressed you’re thinking depressed thoughts.

• If depressed, ask yourself how you’d rather feel. Then think thoughts that carry you toward that feeling. Recall experiences from your past when you felt your preferred emotion and recall that memory over and over and over again to gradually re-wire your brain for greater emotional health. Be patient. When you make progress it’s easy to slip right back into feeling depressed, especially if it’s your predominate emotional state. But the more you redirect your depressed thoughts to your preferred ones, the easier it gets and the longer it lasts.

• Listen for rigid beliefs like, “I have to get it all done.” “I shouldn’t worry about me because that’s selfish.” Rigid words like should, shouldn’t, have to, must, can’t, slam the door on options. Others like everyone, no one, always and never exaggerate your reality. All hold you in rigid reactions so nothing changes. Substitute should, shouldn’t, have to and must with choose, prefer and want. Replace can’t with choose not to, always and never with specific examples of when. No one and everyone with specific names. Change your thoughts, change your life.

• Learn from the psychologist who demonstrated an important stress management point holding a half-full glass of water. Her audience expected the lesson was about the half-empty metaphor. But her point was about holding up the glass and its effect over time on the person’s arm. The longer it was held, the heavier it became. Just like with life’s stressors: the longer you hold onto them the heavier they become.

2. Listen to your emotions: Your emotions also speak to you. Observe yourself feeling what you feel when you feel it: sadness, anger, insecurity, jealousy. Sometimes all you need is more rest to feel more emotionally balanced. Sometimes you need to change a relationship with another – or with yourself. Let your feelings guide you in determining what needs attention.

3. Listen to your body: Your body speaks to you all of the time. It tells you when it’s overloaded with too much stress. The trick is to not only listen to it but to act on what it tells you.

• Too much stress over long periods of time leaves your body with too much of the stress hormones floating around inside you doing their insidious, gradual damage. Become far more consciously aware of your body’s symptoms when too stressed: an increase in muscle tension, headaches, shortness of breath, insomnia. What are your symptoms?

• If you’re aware of the causes of your stress, deal with them. If you’re not aware, at least do something nourishing for your mind, body and spirit to relieve the pressure.

4. Prioritize time investments: I train people how to treat me,” Dr. Wayne Dyer once said. If you insist on doing everything you teach those around you that you’ll do everything. When you do more than your share of work while no one else does anything, ask yourself, “Why should they?” Tell them you’re going to do only your work and not theirs and see what happens. Most will pick up more of what they should have been doing all along proving by changing your behavior you get a different outcome.

• At work and at home decide your top priorities. Then look at how you spend your time for a week or so. Become aware of how often you do things that aren’t close to being priorities. Let some of those things go. For example, if spending time with your kids is a top priority but you’re spending significant time cleaning the house, do fewer chores, with less perfectionism, and spend more time with your kids. Make conscious choices that support your priorities.

• Set Limits. “I can’t say no; that wouldn’t be nice.” If you think you can’t, you won’t. Ask yourself if the others’ requests help or hinder achieving your priorities. Let your answer influence your choice. Sometimes it’s fine to help if you have the time. But when you’re overloaded and continue to say “yes” you’re teaching others you’ll always help them so they’ll expect you to help the next time, too. Learn assertive skills to set appropriate limits. It’s very freeing.

5. Self-care: Make yourself and your wellbeing a priority by taking 30 to 60 minutes daily to feed your mind and body. Staying well allows you to be better for those around you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Do you notice a growing sense of entitlement?

Stress for Success

April 16, 2013

 Is a sense of entitlement a growing problem for you, whether from employees feeling entitled to certain benefits or customers expecting the impossible?

Many would answer with a resounding “yes!”

A sense of entitlement is:

“… a belief that one gets what they want because of who they are vs. what they do. When this rich nation stopped requiring performance as a condition for keeping a job or getting a raise, it created a widespread attitude of entitlement, which destroys motivation, lowers productivity and crushes self–esteem.”  Judith Bardwick author of Danger in the Comfort Zone

The following are some of the symptoms:

·         Self-focused (WIIFM?);

·         Expect others to meet their needs - and w/out appreciation;

o   Pout when their needs aren’t met;

·         Have an, “It’s not fair!” outlook AKA: “It doesn’t satisfy my needs.”;

o   E.g., An employer had to cut costs so stopped providing continental breakfasts for staff meetings. An employee complained, “It’s not fair!” What they really meant was having no breakfast does not satisfy their needs.

·         Focus on what they’re owed vs. what to offer;

o   Often leads to anger and resentment;

·         Past accomplishments should earn on-going benefits;

o   E.g., “I’ve been here 20 years and deserve a raise.”

·         Self-admiration;

·         Excessive blaming and complaining about what they don’t like; 

o   Gossip to others about their complaints;

·         Expect and require excessive praise;

The scary prospect is this condition is dangerously close to a very unpleasant psychological diagnosis of narcissism, whose symptoms include:

·         Grandiose self-importance;

·         “I’m special!”

·         Exaggerate achievements, talents;

·         Unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, etc.;

·         Arrogant, haughty;

·         Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment;

·         A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT;         

·         Other symptoms below in table;

Researchers of this growing social phenomenon are calling the watered-down version of narcissism, “Normal Narcissism (NN).” Symptoms are less obvious with a definitive difference between NN and diagnosable narcissism is that true narcissists don’t care much about relationships. They lack empathy.

Normal narcissism seems to be afflicting more and more Americans.

“As we Americans have prospered … we have lost sight of what made us great. We have become … soft and have created more and more entitlements that allow us to have smaller lives focused on day-to-day satisfactions … that are, in the great scheme of life, not all that compelling. ” Brad Hams, author of “Ownership Thinking”

Not only is the spread of NN bad for us individually, it is very damaging to team work. The “we’re in this together,” becomes “everyone looks out for #1.” Traits of NN are the opposite of what is needed to effectively work as a team. Here are just some of the negative consequences on team work:

• Leads to conflict;
• Those afflicted are less likely to:
• Empathize with others;
• Share credit & reciprocate (a small pie mentality: if you get something positive there’s less for me);
• Give others a break (more judgmental);
• Confuses hard work with accomplishment;
• “I worked hard on this and deserve a promotion!”
• Expect more and more:

o   E.g. Close earlier and earlier for holidays;

Normal narcissism is also not good for our country. Compare our founding values with those of NN:

• American founding values:
• Strong work ethic, religious freedom, equality, “can-do” attitude, pursuit of innovation, self-reliance, frugality, etc.
• Get things done vs. admire yourself;
• NN values:
• Self-admiration;
• Self-expression;

o   Self-promotion;

In the next couple of articles we’ll explore the causes of this growing mentality and ideas to minimize it and to encourage better team work.

Be grateful for Spring!

Stress for Success

April 2, 2013, Week 430

Here’s a stress truism: you find what you look for. If you’re an optimist you’ll look for and find evidence of how great the world is. If you’re a pessimist you’ll look for and find the opposite. If you believe most people are sexist or racist, you’ll find evidence of it, even where it doesn’t exist.

This has huge implications for your stress level since stress is in the mind of the beholder. If you believe that life treats you unfairly, you will find plenty of evidence --- even where none exists. Your life will be more stressful than others who have the exact same stress (if that’s even possible) but who focus much more on what they’re grateful for in their lives.

What are you grateful for? Here’s a few things on my list:

• Southwest Florida traffic will soon return to normal (largely) after a very, very busy tourist season. I’m also enormously grateful that the season was so successful for area businesses.

• Our fall/winter/early spring have been absolutely gorgeous. The weather could not have been better – for me at least.

• Spring’s renewal is visible everywhere. OK the allergens are also thick but the beauty of freshly re-leafed trees and plants is reassuring.

• The Great Recession seems to be receding more and more into our collective memory.

• Even though summer is not my favorite time of year, I’m looking forward to the awesome Florida rains to nourish my husband’s and my newly planted trees and hedge. You can almost see them growing daily.

When you’re grateful for a myriad of things, it puts your focus onto the positive. Don’t get me wrong, positive thinking alone is limited in reducing your stress. But true gratefulness does balance, therefore reduce, stress. Gratefulness helps you put things into perspective. Yeah, you may have a cranky co-worker to tolerate every day but it’s gorgeous outside!

In other words, your entire life doesn’t have to be brought down by stress. There is so much to be grateful for.

Plus, when you focus on what you appreciate, you bring more of that into your life. (Obviously this isn’t a 100% or we’d be living in spring-like weather year-round.) For example, if you appreciate your partner’s considerate nature you’re more likely to notice when he’s considerate and less likely to notice when he’s not.

To practice gratefulness:

• Daily, upon awakening or before falling asleep at night, review the little and big things for which you are genuinely grateful: from your good health to waking up to birds singing. It’s a wonderful way to start or end your day.

• Practice gratefulness before your family evening meal by saying what you appreciate today.

• When you complain about anything, consciously look for something about it for which you could be grateful. For example, if you catch a cold be grateful for not catching it while you had guests visiting. (If you jump to, “They gave me the cold,” you’re missing my point.)

• Thank someone who has done something you appreciated. Make it a genuine expression of how you feel.

To lighten your heart be grateful and count your blessings. The more grateful you are the more you’ll be aware of the good things you already have.

And stop and smell the roses on a daily basis. Appreciate the small things in life, the beautiful things around you, the people you love; all help to balance the stress in your life. Happy Spring!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Can you “catch” loneliness?

Stress for Success

March 5, 2013

Loneliness can be painful for anyone from time to time. But some people live with it daily for years on end draining them emotionally, inhibiting them from forming healthy relationships, and stunting their psychological growth.

But, is loneliness contagious?

In a ten-year study John Cacioppo, University of Chicago psychologist and a leading expert on loneliness, suggests loneliness can be infectious. Researchers examined how loneliness spreads in social networks and found that people close to someone experiencing loneliness were 52% more likely to become lonely themselves.

Cacioppo offers these tips to overcome this state of mind:

• Accept your loneliness is a symptom that something needs to change.

• Understand the effects it has on your physical and mental life.

• Consider volunteering to help others or doing something you enjoy. Both endeavors would put you into a position to meet others who share your interest. You could possibly cultivate new friendships or at least increase your positive social interactions.

• Put energy into developing quality relationships with others who share your attitudes, interests and values. You can find like-minded people in religious environments, sports, hobbies, political activities, etc.

• Instead of assuming you’ll be rejected when you reach out, try assuming the other person will be open to you. Look for the positives in a relationship rather than protecting yourself against the assumed negatives.


Here are additional ideas to treat loneliness:

• Question your expectations of your relationships with others. Lonely people often have very unrealistic expectations, like expecting perfection from others or from themselves. Set realistic expectations regarding what you can reasonably get from relationships.

• Learn to differentiate your emotions if you, like many lonely people, misidentify them. For example, it’s common for lonely people to assume they’re depressed, which can lead to behaving in depressed ways, making everything worse.

• Distinguish between aloneness and loneliness. Being alone can be very healthy. Alone time offers you the opportunity to reflect upon your life in ways that are very difficult when surrounded by people.


When I worked in mental health, I encouraged many clients to live alone for at least a period of time. When you are surrounded by people, it can be difficult to come face-to-face with your demons because they’re bouncing off your interactions with others, allowing you to assume the problems you’re having are the others’. Spending a great deal of time alone can force you to come to grips with them.

• Learn that you are capable of handling loneliness by dealing with its accompanying anxiety. Learn first-hand it doesn’t have to rule your life.

• Reframe loneliness: rather than aching to have a close relationship, identify other options that can also be satisfying, like pursuing an interest you’ve allowed to remain dormant. By experiencing what’s of interest to you, you’ll learn that you are in control of your moods. You’ll learn they do not control you – unless you allow them.

• Polish your social skills and learn new ones. Since lonely people often attribute their loneliness to something lacking in those around them they tend to be unaware of their own lack of such skills. Seek professional counseling if you find this difficult.

• Increase your awareness of how often you put yourself down when you’re lonely. You probably blame both yourself and others for your unhappiness. Learn to accept that relationships are not always good. They go through normal ups and downs. Nothing is perfect. To expect perfection sets you up for frustration and distancing yourself from others.

• Loneliness, like depression, can be very self-absorbing; narcissistic even. When self-absorbed you can easily be hurt by others and conversely easily inflated. This is another reason volunteering helps because it provides a natural balance to this self-absorption tendency.

• Set measurable and realistic goals like meet one new person each week this month.

Millions share your loneliness every day. When dragged down by this state you miss innumerable opportunities to meet others, to improve your life, to learn, and to enjoy life. Once you identify that it is loneliness from which you suffer, you can begin to work your way out of it. Doing so may lead you to a better life than you ever dreamed possible.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Can loneliness become a self-fulfilling prophesy?

Stress for Success

For February 19, 2013

Can believing something like, “No one likes me,” become a self-fulfilling prophesy and ultimately cause loneliness?

Researchers in 1981, Jones, Freemon and Goswick, found that lonely people often think about themselves with distorted logic, such as: “I’m alone. No one wants to be with me and no one is willing to help me escape my loneliness, so I will reject others, too.”

In fact, they found that lonely people are more rejecting of others than others are of them. They tend to chase away what they need the most to heal their loneliness - other people. Lonely people also tend to be more critical and therefore rejecting of others. So, they remain isolated without understanding that they are in large part responsible for their lonely state.

Lonesome people may also lack the social skills necessary for connecting with others. They tend to be more introverted and self-conscious about approaching others due to excessive fear of being rejected. They often set themselves up for disappointments through unrealistic expectations about relationships by assuming:
• They should always have dates or be popular, beautiful or successful;
• Friends should always be available;

These unrealistic expectations create major disappointments and lead to chronic, negative emotional states, even depression.

Finally, even though lonesome people may be perfectly good problem solvers in many aspects of their lives, they tend to be unsuccessful in solving interpersonal issues. In 1982 research, Horowitz, French and Anderson gave a test that measured loneliness. They found that, unlike those participants who felt well connected to others, lonely people were unable to generate enough quality alternative problem-solving options to resolve their interpersonal dilemmas. When faced with conflicts they continued with their flawed assumptions about themselves and others and stewed in their own stressful thinking.

Challenging flawed thinking is the first step to overcoming loneliness. Moving beyond faulty lonely assumptions can then improve your problem solving in dealing with isolation. You must first become aware that you are thinking lonely thoughts and be willing to challenge them. For example:
“I feel alone but that doesn’t mean I have to be alone. Why should I expect other people to help me out of this feeling when it’s my responsibility to do something about it? I need to figure out my options to develop more and better relationships.”

Challenging your own thoughts must happen over and over again, day after day after day. To help you become more skilled with this, write down your lonely thoughts on the left side of a page. After, challenge them on the right side of the page. Doing this fifteen or so minutes a day will gradually help you see other ways of thinking, leading to a greater number of problem solving options.

Feeling lonely can be very intense. The accompanying cognitive distortions can and do lead to persistent hopelessness. Even though it’s not a diagnosable psychological condition, it can still be treated by good counselors. If you feel significant stress from being lonely, consider seeking professional help. A therapist could help you with your thinking distortions more quickly than doing it on your own and teach you better problem solving. The alternative is to continue to drown in your lonely ruminations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Loneliness is a stressful state of mind
Stress for Success
For February 5, 2013


When you spend time alone do you feel lonely or do you consider it a luxury? If lonely, do you often feel alone even when you’re with others?

Loneliness is a near universal experience, at least at times, and is very different from being alone. A sense of isolation can be experienced by the stay-at-home mother who craves adult companionship or the elderly man who has been widowed.

How you experience loneliness, the causes of it, and how to best respond to it are all very unique to you. The lonely mother seeking adult companionship will have very different needs than the person who has lost his spouse.

Kendra Cherry, who writes for About.com Guide, describes loneliness “as a state of mind versus a state of solitude.” She goes to say, “Loneliness makes you feel empty, alone and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it difficult to connect with other people.”

Aloneness is the perception of feeling isolated. For example, the new widower can feel lonely even when surrounded by his friends and family.

Interestingly, one cause of loneliness, according to John Cacioppo, University of Chicago psychologist and a leading expert on loneliness, is strongly connected to genetics. Other causes may be situational, like moving to a new city or divorce. It can also be a symptom of depression or low self-esteem. If you don’t think highly of yourself, you may feel unworthy of others’ respect leading to isolation and loneliness.

For some, loneliness becomes a chronic lifestyle. Assuming this mental state is stressful to the individual, over time, it has potential serious health consequences, as does any chronic stress, including:

• Alcoholism and drug abuse;

• Weakened immune function;

• Mild to severe depression;

• Trouble sleeping;

• Weight gain;

• Cardiovascular disease and stroke;

• Growing antisocial behavior;

• Worsening of Alzheimer’s disease;

Cacioppo, co-author of “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection,” in a U. S. News and World Report interview reported, “Lonely adults consume more alcohol and get less exercise than those who are not lonely. Their diet is higher in fat, their sleep is less efficient, and they report more daytime fatigue. Loneliness also disrupts the regulation of cellular processes deep within the body, predisposing lonely people to premature aging.”

Researchers have found those with little loneliness are more likely married, have higher incomes and educational status.

High levels of loneliness are correlated with health problems, living alone, small social networks and low quality social relationships.

Not surprisingly, research has also found loneliness becoming more common in the U.S. In a 1984 questionnaire, respondents most frequently reported having three close friends. In 2004, the most common response was zero!

What’s more important in combating loneliness is not how many social interactions you have but the quality of them. Having three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences of it.

In my next article we’ll consider how to treat this mental state.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Holidays can bring on blues

Learn about the common stressors and how to cope

Stress for Success

December 12, 2012


According to Madison Avenue, Christmas is always 100% happy, loving and generous. Do your holidays live up to these expectations? Do anyone’s? If not, this time of year can be very stressful.

Even if you measure up well, it’s a time of frenetic cleaning, decorating, baking, shopping, wrapping, going to and hosting parties, all potentially leading to exhaustion.

A key to coping is to know that we’re all more vulnerable to stress right now and to keep the increased activity, overindulgences, and unrealistic expectations from overwhelming you.

Here are some of the most common holiday stressors to protect yourself from:
• Relationships: Historically tumultuous ones can be particularly toxic, especially if you’re with your family of origin where reverting back to childhood roles triggers each other’s hot buttons.
• If you’ve lost a loved-one, the holidays may leave you very lonely and depressed.
• Finances: Money stress can occur any time but takes on new dimensions if you overspend on gifts, travel, etc.
• Exhaustion: The vicious cycle of stress-causing fatigue may leave you less likely to exercise and meditate, which increases your stress. Overindulgence of food and liquor can push you overboard.

Here are some holiday stress coping tips:
• Treat yourself kindly; accept your imperfections. Do something you find special. Focus on the importance of Christmas vs. buying stuff. Appreciate the efforts you make to create a positive experience for your loved ones.
• Put your mind into neutral and commit to not letting other’s irritating behaviors upset you. Avoid difficult people, if possible. Save any confrontations for the New Year. If someone else gets easily upset, give him a break; he’s probably over-stressed, too. An excellent holiday mantra is, "This too shall pass."
– Instead of picturing things going wrong, picture them going well. Prepare yourself mentally to positively handle what could go wrong and appreciate the positive.
• Be realistic: Let go of Hallmark expectations that everything must be perfect. If there's a spot on your tablecloth, put something over it vs. fuss about it. Virtually no one cares. And if someone does, don’t invite her next year.
• Stick to your budget: Decide how much you can afford and stick to it. To avoid over-spending leave your credit cards at home and take only the cash you've budgeted. You can’t buy love or friendship. Explain to your kids if you can’t afford something they want. Knowing there are limits is good for them.
• Set appropriate limits: Prioritize invitations, requests and responsibilities. Commit only to what’s realistically achievable.
• Plan ahead: Include your family in making a list of and dividing additional responsibilities. Decide who will do what. (If you do it all yourself you’ll teach them to do nothing.)
• Self-care: Over-eat and -drink on Christmas if you must, but not for the next two weeks. Take daily 15-minute breaks to refresh each day. Get plenty of exercise and drink lots of water to keep up your energy.
• Be grateful: Help those who are less fortunate. Catch your loved ones doing something right. As you prepare everything remember your love for those for whom you’re doing it.

If you still have the holiday blues talk to someone you trust. Keep up your normal routine and know that this too shall pass.

Merry Christmas!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.